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Bad News

New education standard requires third-graders to read good ... and other crud to get excited about

Rickardo Williams

Bad News Police Blotter

Tulsa County detention officer Rickardo Williams is facing charges of sexual battery after appearing in surveillance videos inappropriately touching inmates in the Tulsa County Jail. The sheriff’s deputies shook their heads in dismay. Presumably, they know where the security cameras are and would never make a rookie mistake like that.

The Tulsa Police Department has asked the public for help locating a stolen police vehicle. The vehicle is unmarked, reducing chances of finding it to approximately fuck-all. The vehicle was stolen in South Tulsa earlier this month, and contained a police vest, pepperball gun, ballistic shield, police radio, and a mix cd titled “Funky Summertime Jamz (2001).” The public is advised to be on the lookout for a gray 2012 Chevrolet Equinox, possibly blasting “Bootylicious” by Destiny’s Child.

A Tulsa Sheriff’s Deputy was charged with possession of a firearm while intoxicated after he arrived to work drunk. Deputy Raul Nieves faces a misdemeanor charge and is currently on unpaid leave pending an investigation. Luckily, law enforcement in this town gets enough bad press these days that this story will probably just go away.

Lincoln County inmates escape the same way twice in three months

A three-day manhunt in Lincoln and surrounding counties was conducted after four men broke out of the Lincoln County Jail on June 12. In March, two of the suspects escaped custody from the same jail, using the same hole in the ventilation system, presumably while arguing about whether it was rabbit or duck season.

A spokesman for the Lincoln County Sheriff’s Department expressed confidence that the escapees would soon be caught, saying, “We’w gonna catch those wascawwy cwiminaws.”

A guard assigned to keep watch over the inmates was reportedly hit on the head with some sort of oversized wooden mallet, leaving two large and clearly visible raised lumps that caused his hat to sit comically askew.

The guard, a diminutive man with a large red moustache, was quoted saying, “Oooh, if I ever get my hands on those varmints I’ll, I’ll …” before trailing off into a bout of agitated gibberish.

Investigators came close to capturing the fugitives last week after following a suspicious car for some miles, only to be thwarted when the car drove into a tunnel that had been painted on the side of a sheer cliff face.

The final inmate was captured on June 15. Police declined to discuss the arrest, but a source close to the story says that they followed a trail of partially eaten carrots leading to a hole in the ground.

OU accidentally exposes personal records of thousands of students

The University of Oklahoma is rushing to fix a few holes in its digital fence after The OU Daily discovered in early June that 15 years’ worth of students’ records, including social security numbers and other personal information, was accessible to the public. 

The Daily, OU’s student newspaper, uncovered more than 29,000 improper disclosures of student information due to a month-long security gap. Each disclosure is a violation of federal law under the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act. But whatever, they don’t put education on ESPN, so it’s not really a priority.

All things considered, this wasn’t that big of a deal. Sure, there was a glaring hole in the security of a major university which jeopardized individual students’ well-being, but the school itself didn’t lose any revenue. Like, can you imagine if the athletic department had a problem like this? That would be national news, easy. But students? Nah.

Oklahoma has high standards for 3rd graders, no one else

Oklahoma has raised the standard for the 3rd grade state reading test, now requiring that students score “proficient” or higher in order to pass on to the 4th grade. Last year, 12 percent of students did not meet the requirements for promotion to 4th grade, including a disproportionate number of lower-income black and Hispanic students.

State Superintendent of Public Instruction Joy Hofmeister told Oklahoma Watch that “families will begin to appreciate even more strongly the need to be reading earlier,” in a stunning display of buck-passing. What, did you think it was the state’s job to educate kids?

If you care so damn much, read “The Cat in the Hat” to your kid, or something. 

Read last issue’s Bad News here.