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Sweat. Blood. Probably some tears.

It’s time again for Tulsa Tough, practically this town’s Christmas.    

As the sun goes down on Friday, June 8, spandexed racers will lean into the sharp corners of the Blue Dome District. Onlookers will ring cowbells. Cyclists will crash.

On Saturday, dozens of athletes will mash past onlookers at 30 miles per hour in the Tulsa Arts District. You might have too many Tiki drinks on a patio or radlers on a sidewalk somewhere. (It’s happened.)

On Sunday, the costumed and half-naked will descend upon Cry Baby Hill for Tulsa’s Best Party of the Year (you voted, again!), dancing and hollering and shotgunning beers as cyclists race their way up that hellish hill near 13th Street and Riverside Drive.

Here you’ll find the race schedule, an interview with a pro cyclist who calls Tulsa home, a cry baby mask, and the rules for reveling on the Hill, written by its referees.

Attn: Weekend warriors

Friday, June 8

McNellie’s Group Blue Dome Criterium

Third St. and Elgin Ave.

Tulsa Tough festivities kick off in the Blue Dome Arts District. Cyclists take to the district’s streets (and corners) at unbelievable speeds in these twilight races. It’s an exciting night to start your weekend of spectating or competing. Registration and packet pick-up for races and Gran Fondos is from 5–9 p.m. Purses range from $1,500 to $12,000.

6:15 P.M.    Men’s Cat III

7:00 P.M.    Men’s Cat I/II

7:55 P.M.    Women’s Pro I/II

8:50 P.M.    Men’s Pro I

Fireworks begin at five laps to go during Men’s Pro I race. Women’s Pro I/II awards ceremony begins after fireworks, followed by Men’s Pro I awards ceremony.

Saturday, June 9

Gran Fondos

John Hope Franklin Blvd. & 201 N. Elgin Ave.

Riders will head from downtown through Jenks, Sapulpa, Sand Springs, and Skiatook on three different routes: Piccolo (38.7 miles), Medio (66.2 miles), and Gran (102.6 miles). Packet pick-up starts at 6 a.m. Course closes at 5 p.m.

7:00 A.M.    Fondo rider staging

7:30 A.M.    Ace Peloton start

7:40 A.M.    Gran, Medio, Piccolo riders start

George Kaiser Family Foundation Tulsa Arts District Criterium

M.B. Brady St. & Boston Ave.

On this first full day of races, cyclists navigate an L-shaped course through the Tulsa Arts District. Women’s Pro I/II purse is $7,500; Men’s Pro I is $12,000.

10:00 A.M.    Men’s Masters B (Cat III/IV)

10:50 A.M.    Men’s Cat V (over 35)

11:30 A.M.    Men’s Cat V (under 35)

12:10 P.M.    Women’s Cat IV/V

12:45 P.M.    Women’s Cat III

12:45 P.M.    Women’s Masters (over 40)

1:35 P.M.    Men’s Cat IV

2:25 P.M.    Juniors

3:05 P.M.    Kids (under 9)

3:25 P.M.    Men’s Masters A (Cat I, II, III)

4:30 P.M.    Men’s Cat III

5:35 P.M.    Men’s Cat I/II

6:50 P.M.    Women’s Pro I/II

7:55 P.M.    Men’s Pro I

Women’s Pro I/II awards ceremony begins at conclusion of men’s race, followed by Men’s Pro I awards ceremony.

Sunday, June 10

Gran Fondo

15th St. & Riverside Dr.

Riders race west and north through Prattville, Sand Springs, and Skiatook. Piccolo (32.7 mi.) and Medio (68.3 mi) races only. Packet pick-up starts at 6 a.m. Course closes at 2 p.m.

7:00 A.M.    Fondo rider staging

7:30 A.M.    Medio and Piccolo riders start

Townie Ride

15th St. & Galveston Ave.

A free, all-ages 5.8-mile ride. This is not a race—you can go your own pace, so it’s perfect for kids and families. Remember your helmets!

1:55 P.M.    Line Up

2:15 P.M.    Mass Start

River Parks Criterium

15th St. & Riverside Dr.

This is the race better known as The Home of Cry Baby Hill. Women’s Pro I/II purse is $10,000; Men’s Pro I is $15,000. Music on Cry Baby Hill turns up at 11:30 a.m. and includes DJ What the Gif?, DJ Lelander, DJ Darku, Paul Benjamin Band, Count Tutu, and others. Mind the gap.

8:00 A.M.    Men’s Masters B (Cat III, IV)

8:35 A.M.    Men’s Cat V (over 35)

9:10 A.M.    Men’s Cat V (under 35)

9:45 A.M.    Women’s Cat IV/V

10:20 A.M.    Women’s Cat III

10:20 A.M.    Women’s Masters (over 40)

11:00 A.M.    Men’s Cat IV

11:45 A.M.    Juniors

12:20 P.M.    Men’s Masters A (Cat I, II, III)

1:10 P.M.    Kids (under 9)

1:25 P.M.    Men’s Cat III

2:25 P.M.    Men’s Cat I/II

3:30 P.M.    Women’s Pro I/II

4:35 P.M.    Men’s Pro I

Women’s Pro I/II awards ceremony begins at conclusion of men’s race, followed by Men’s Pro I award ceremony.

For more information, visit tulsatough.com.

The 13 Commandments of Cry Baby State Fair

  1. Mind the carnival’s gap.
  2. Thou shalt groweth thine hair for business and bankers in thou frontal area, whilst displaying luxurious locks which harken of parties and waterfalls in thine back. Thus sayeth Brother Billy Ray.
  3. The referees are the carnival barkers. Listen to them or be kicked out of the state fair. No refunds on unused tickets or Zima coupons.
  4. Get ‘r done.
  5. You must be this old to ride Cry Baby Hill: 4 9 12 12-1/2 16 18 21.
  6. Unlike the trailer park, festival regulations prohibit: glass, kids, and dogs. Smoking ain’t cool on the track. Smoke downwind where racers ain’t breathin’ none, ya’ moron!
  7. Our bearded lady is sweatin’ sumpin’ fierce. It’s gonna be hot. Water is on top of the hill and near the stage. Drink water! Act like you been to the fair before, Cleetus!
  8. “This look like a rash to you? It ain’t itchy or nothin’.” Identify where the medical services are.
  9. We got blue outhouses all over these here fairgrounds. Use them or get thrown in with the gimp, banished, or arrested. We don’t want no rubes!
  10. “I know you been sleepin’ with my sister, Tammy! Shut up and get in the El Camino!” Do not touch the racers or any other humans without consent or yer gonna get roughed up.
  11. State fairs are fun. Acting like a douche is not. Have fun, be cool, and pick up after yourself.
  12. Don’t be skeered.   
  13. Behold! When you hear, “Who are we?” The correct response is, “Soundpony!”